I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
