I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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