I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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