I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
