I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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