I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I had to cum in my sink.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
