remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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