youre lurking in front of me
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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