I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I woke up under the pier.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
