apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
