Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
