I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
