I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
