Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
