My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
