if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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