2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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