Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
even my farts smell like vagina
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
