im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
