Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
