You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The beers last night were like the tears from god
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
