Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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