I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
