using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
