Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I could make wine with my vomit
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
