Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
