So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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