I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
