I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
false alarm. still invincible.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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