I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
