FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
