my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
