I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
