she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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