brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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