i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
