My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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