i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
