There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
