This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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