I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
