When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
