help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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