i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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