Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
