the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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