i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
