so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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