I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I need a beard to bite.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
