My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I think I sprained my soul last night
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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