Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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