Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
